The National Council on Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity has defined sexual addiction also known as compulsive sexual behavior (CSB), as “engaging in persistent and escalating patterns of sexual behavior acted out despite increasing negative consequences to self and others.”
Are you wondering if you may be struggling with a sex addiction? Below are questions to ask your self to help identify if your sexual behaviors may indicate a sexual addiction.*
- Have you lost control over your sexual behaviors?
- Have you crossed lines you didn’t think you would cross?
- Have you set limits on your sexual behavior you failed to meet?
- Have you experienced negative consequences (lost a relationship, less productive at work, spending less time with family or friend)?
- Have you tried to stop any sexual behaviors but couldn’t?
*If a positive response is given to any of these questions, further assessment by a professional specializing in sexual addiction treatment is recommended.
Behaviors often associated with CSB are:
- Compulsive searching/seeking partners or multiple partner
- Compulsive fixation on an unattainable partner
- Compulsive pornographic use or masturbation
- Compulsive love/affair relationships
- Compulsive sexuality in a relationship
- Compulsive escalation of out of control sexual behavior
"One of the greatest challenges to an addict in early recovery is finding and maintaining structure in a supportive system". Patrick Carnes
Research has shown that building a solid foundation for your recovery process is crucial in the first four months. Sex Addicts can often go 8-10 days sober, with no problem. Going 30 days seems to be the next threshold to staying sober, If they pass forty days, relapse probability starts to diminish significantly.
At MNCCC we offer individualized 1:1 treatment plans based on your particular needs. These treatment plans may include:
- Complete an Accountability Contract
- Incorporating Daily Sobriety Renewal Structures
- Understanding Your Arousal Template
- Completing Daily Progress Charts
- Breaking Through Denial
- Understanding the Nature of the Illness
- Surrendering To The Process
- Understand the development of the Sex Addiction Disorder
- Identify triggers for acting out
- Identify cycles of Sexual Addiction
- Address social or psychological risk factors
- Evaluate unhealthy thought patterns
- Develop skills for maintaining long-term goals
- Address shame and guilt
- Rebuild relationships that have been harmed
Our Clinicians also offer the following services for couples and betrayed partners working through healing and recovery from the discovery of sexual addiction:
COUPLES THERAPY
Couples therapy is also an essential part of recovery, and a significant focus of our treatment. Initially, the goal of couple’s therapy is stabilize the relationship and help the spouse work through the trauma they have experienced. Another important goal is to help the couple restore trust and intimacy in the relationship, both sexually and non-sexually.
We work with Couples to:
- Provide addiction psycho- education
- Provide Stabilization for Crisis Management
- Create Boundary/Safety Plan
- Help Manage Discovery of acting out behaviors
- Provide emotional support
- Heal and rebuilding trust
- Rebuild sex and intimacy in the couple relationship
- Devise Partners Safety/Boundary Plan
- Process/Manage Triggers
THERAPEUTIC DISCLOSURE
A full therapeutic disclosure (FTD) is a disclosure process that occurs in a therapist’s office where a betraying, cheating or sexually addicted partner provides information to the betrayed partner regarding all the betrayals. Full disclosure is about being transparent and honest with each other out of the intention of promoting deeper trust, respect, and integrity in the relationship. During disclosure, couples enter into a carefully prepared, intentional, therapeutically supported process designed to help them to re-establish a foundation of honesty and safety in their relationship, and to repair and heal the attachment injuries created by the betrayal.
In this process, the cheating partner comes prepared to vulnerably tell the entire truth about the scope and depth of the betrayal that has occurred and to take responsibility for the pain and wounding that these behaviors have created for their significant other. The betrayed partner comes prepared to listen and to ask questions in order to fully explore and understand the betrayal they have experienced, and to be able to make decisions about moving forward in the relationship with full awareness of who their partner is and what has occurred.
Given that the majority of partners experience trauma in the wake of a discovery or partial disclosure, it is important to reset this experience in a healthy, thorough and supportive manner and to put all of the information on the table in one place and at one time. Resetting this experience is not only important for a partner’s healing, but also a critical aspect of an addict’s or cheating partner's recovery. In order for authentic recovery to take place, the involved partner must learn how to break down secrecy, become accountable, learn to take responsibility, establish sobriety, learn to feel empathy, and connect authentically with others. Engaging in a thoughtful and carefully planned disclosure process can support this healing process. A therapeutic disclosure is a unique type of intervention that creates a supportive space for couples to share and learn about a full accounting of the betrayals outside of the relationship while in the presence of qualified mental health practitioners. Ideally, the partner and the addict both have their respective primary therapists present during the therapeutic disclosure session so that each may feel fully supported.
A thorough disclosure document will include topics such as: the history of one’s sexual behavior; pertinent life events which contributed to the formation of these behaviors; the scope of sexual behaviors; the frequency of sexual behaviors; behaviors that have been previously hidden; the ways in which the addict deceived his or her partner about the addictive behaviors; and answers to the partners questions.
Some partners or couples desire a polygraph test to be passed prior to the therapeutic disclosure taking place. This can give both parties confidence in the process and can diminish the stress of wondering if the full truth will be shared or if the disclosure should be believed. If this is something you would like to have done, a polygraph test will need to be booked at least two weeks in advance of the disclosure date.
It is strongly recommended that a therapeutic disclosure is planned after a minimum of 90 days of treatment and sobriety. On occasion, it is necessary to engage in an emergency disclosure when an adult or minor is in harm’s way, but emergency disclosures are rare and far from ideal. Both the involved partner and the betrayed partner must carefully prepare for and be ready for a scheduled therapeutic disclosure. You therapist will guide the readiness and preparation. Please plan on blocking out at least two to three hours for the therapeutic disclosure session. While each disclosure can vary in length, it is set up in this manner so that no one will feel rushed. This time period also allows time for processing what has been disclosed. it is not uncommon for both parties to have their respective therapists present during the reading of the FTD.
BETRAYED PARTNER COUNSELING
Betrayal trauma is a type of trauma that refers to the pain and emotional distress that occurs when a trusted loved one, or intimate partner violates someone's trust. Betrayal trauma may occur alongside things like gaslighting and lead to anxiety and depression.
Sexual infidelity in a relationship often triggers a cascade of difficult and painful emotions in those who have been betrayed. After discovery, those who have been betrayed often can’t sleep or eat. They can’t stop thinking about what their partner did, and they begin avoiding people and places that they used to enjoy. Their trust in others goes down and they question themselves, often believing that there is something wrong with them. In many cases, they struggle with depression and anxiety. Finally, they experience anger in ways that surprise even themselves.
The betrayed partner needs to heal from the trauma. Even if the unfaithful partner didn’t intend to send this message, the betrayed partner received the message, “Your feelings and needs for safety don’t matter.” This causes a deep wound. The betrayed partner will need to grieve the losses that the betrayal caused: the sense that I would always be safe with you, the belief that you are the one person who would never deeply hurt me, the fantasy that our relationship was sacred and no one would ever take my place. These lost ideals must be grieved, and the unfaithful partner needs to support the betrayed spouse in expressing the sadness and pain of losing these ideals.
But healing involves more than grieving the losses. Healing involves replacing a traumatized experience of being rejected and mistreated with a new experience of being cared about and loved. The irony here is that the person who did the damage is the one who is being called upon to be the healer. This is a difficult job. It necessitates the unfaithful partner do several things including: take full responsibility for the unfaithful behavior, acknowledge that the unfaithful behavior was a deep betrayal of the vulnerability gifted by the betrayed partner, validate the excruciating pain felt by the betrayed partner as a direct result of the misbehavior, and express one’s own sorrow for causing the betrayed partner such deep pain.
Our experienced therapist can help guide this very difficult but necessary process for healing the betrayed partner and rebuilding the relationship.
Call (763)-400-7475 today to talk with one of our experienced therapists or schedule an appointment.
- Faith- based programs; local chapter of Celebrate Recovery or Pure Desire Ministries
- Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA) - https://saa-recovery.org/
- Sex Anonymous (SA) - http://www.sa.org/
Our Services
Sex Addiction & Partner Betrayal
Edina Office
Londonderry Office Park
5780 Lincoln Drive #250
Edina, MN 55436
(o) 763.400.7475
(f) 763.400.7473
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Maple Grove Office
Arbor Lakes
7835 Main Street N. #220
Maple Grove, MN 55369
(o) 763.400.7475
(f) 763.400.7473